Trusting One Another
This Love Doctor business is becoming pretty demanding. Even though I've managed to keep my identity from most of my readers, there are those who know who I am. Its getting more and more difficult to get through a day without someone feeling compelled to share a problem with me. It's always the same; they start telling me about some situation and I take over half way through the story and finish telling them what they were about to tell me. They are always amazed!
Such was the case this week when a good friend was visiting "Boo" and I in our spacious new home. Yes, Boo and I have moved up a bit in life. God is good. As "Boo" and I finished a brief discussion of some work, my friend began to express his admiration for the way that my wife supported me in my business endeavors.
I realized that, once again, I was about to benefit someone's relationship with a loved one. As he expressed his admiration for my wife, I knew that his next statement would have been negative, comparing the lack of support for his endeavors by his wife.
As he began to make that comparison and indictment of his spouse, I interrupted, in order to spare him the embarrassment of having made an insensitive and uninformed statement. I asked him, "What kind of experiences has your wife had with men? Was her father close to her family?" This double question was intended to make him see a major difference between my "Boo" and his wife. His wife had experienced "no good" men in her life and her father had not supported her family. On the other hand, I had been Boo's first serious male relationship and her father had been loving, attentive, responsible and available. He had been good to his wife and children.
Its funny how this basic observation on my part lifted the spirits of my friend. Once he realized that there was a good reason for his situation he was more able to accept it. In other words, he was relieved to know that neither he nor the woman he loved was insane. Very soon I would offer him hope that he might be able to gain more support from that woman.
You know, if more of you would spend more time thinking about your relationships, looking for reasons why people do what they do, rather than blaming them for what they do, you wouldn't need the Love Doctor. You could understand and solve your own problems. Or is it possible that there are only a few of us who are blessed with this depth of human understanding? Come to think of it, my son, who does my cartoons, feels that everyone should be able to draw. So forgive me. Perhaps "understanding" is easy for me for the same reason that some of you can sing, play music, create art, calculate numbers or dance; the Master decided to give us all different talents.
Now, back to our topic. The experiences of life train us to behave the way that we do. I have a friend on the police force who grew up in a large family, so he eats fast. In a large family, the only way that you can have "seconds" is if you finish before the others. My wife has a high opinion of men. She finds it fairly easy to believe in me, not because I am as wonderful as I am, but because she was able to depend on the first man in her life, her father.
On the other hand, my friend's wife has a more difficult time putting her trust in a man. She is doing what she feels she must do; make sure that she doesn't depend on a man. Deep down inside she fears that her husband may not be there one day. She's not crazy, she's being careful, protecting herself and her child from being helpless if they are abandoned. The first man in her life, her father, failed her. She would be stupid or insane if she acted any other way.
I told my friend that if he really wants his woman to trust him more, he can open her eyes to the differences between himself and the men in her past. He must show her that he is trustworthy. You see, it's all about trust. When two people can trust one another, they can depend on one another, which makes life easier. The feeling that your lover is covering your back is wonderful.
If you don't have trust in your relationship, do something about it. Either work to develop the trust, or get out of the relationship. As you get older and looks decline and sexual activity decline, its the trust in a relationship which forms the warm blanket of emotional security which will see a couple through happy senior citizenship.
When my friend asked how he could get his woman to trust him more, I told him to use the "have I ever / haven't I always" question method... "Have I ever let you down? Have I ever caused you to not trust me? Haven't I always paid the bills? Haven't I always tried to be a good father and husband (mother and wife)? WARNING: Some of you have not been good girls or boys in the past. You will have to use the weaker form of the method which requires the use of a phrase that tells how long you've been good. For example, "Since we moved from Seatle.." or "Since I found the Lord.." or "Since I stopped drinking.."
When you are trying to get your spouse to trust you, don't be modest. Talk about every instance when you have been there and done what you were supposed to do. Your task is to sell your lover's mind and soul on the fact that you are unlike the "no good" folks in his or her history, be they parents or past lovers. If you are trustworthy, someone whom can be trusted, you can prove it by the way that you have treated your lover. If you don't have a track record for "doing right", get off the person's back. They are right not giving you their full support.
Ladies, do not misunderstand the Love Doctor. In these days of "ruined men", drug addicts and gigolos, don't trust any man with the future of your children, simply by what he says. You are prudent if you withhold your trust until you can see by what he does with his time and money and how he lives that he is serious about "being there" for you.
Click here to purchase Lloyd Dennis's Book "His Way Works",
a collection of his columns designed to give young people a sense
of the opportunities of marriage, family life and personal achievement.
Copyright 2012 by Lloyd Dennis