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#2 - Does Romance Have to End with Marriage?

I'm going back to the beginning with my Classic Love Doctor series. I hope a new generation of readers enjoys these brash and bold columns I wrote over 20 years ago, and perhaps my old readers will get a warm fuzzy chuckle as you revisit and re-read the Classic Love Doctor

 Just the other day I was discussing my wonderful column with a few of the ladies at a small business establishment. All of a sudden one of the ladies began to wave her head from side to side like Black women do sometimes when they are about to get on you about something. "Yeah, well tell me something, Mr. Love Doctor! Why is it that after you marry a man he stops being romantic?"

The young lady was serious in her belief that only the "men" were to blame for the problem. So I turned around, put my hand on my hip waved my head and replied, "Its hard to be romantic to curlers and flip flop slippers". So fellas, I did defend our position.

In reality, the man is rarely the entire reason for the loss of romance in a marriage. There seems to be a tendency on the part of both partners to "relax" in a relationship after the paperwork is signed. This is the reason some couples choose to "live together" for years and years, afraid to get married, because they've seen other couples "loose it" after jumping the broom.

Men don't really want to loose the passion in their relationships, any more than women do. Actually, if you get a man in private, he will usually admit that he married the woman because had "the hots" for her and wanted to keep her for himself. The problem is that most men really don't understand what makes a woman respond to them in the first place. Men, the Love Doctor is here to tell you that its not your looks or your clothes or your car or your cologne that turns your lady on. It may be true that these things may get her attention, but they don't create the heat of passionate romance.

So fellows if you notice that your lady doesn't seem to respond as passionately after marriage, you are probably not on your job! However, since you are reading the Love Doctor column, don't worry help has arrived.

The problem is that most of us fellows think that because we are "turned on" by physical things, women are also. It just not true. I know your lady used to get all warm and cuddly when you were looking good on those romantic evenings, but think about it. Try to remember. Did she melt in your arms at the beginning of the date or toward the end, after a little "wining and dining" or after you were thoughtful enough to bring some flowers or a little gift or simply after you had "spent some time" giving her your attention.

The Love Doctor has come to understand that most women seem to respond romantically to "effort". They will say things like, "It's the thought that matters." Ladies seem to turned on by how we treat them and they want to feel that we think about them when we are away from them. In addition, they want evidence. That evidence can be almost anything. Flowers, a little gift, her favorite food, planning an evening out. One little trick that pays off over and over is to say nice things about her to people who will tell her what you said. It works for the Love Doctor.

However, like I said earlier in this column, it not just the dudes who mess up the romance in a marriage. Before marriage, ladies tend to spend more time and effort looking good for their men, and then after the honeymoon they are not as careful about how they present themselves to their mate. Some ladies can come up with a bunch of reasons for being less attractive, and many are true and understandable. However, regardless of reason, the results are usually the same when high heels and silk become sneakers and sweats. There is an old saying that goes, "Whatever it took to catch a man, it will also take to keep him." Sisters, if you want a man who will be happy with a woman who wears slippers, curlers and a house coat most of the time, you should dress that way during the courtship. How long would a restaurant stay in business if it advertised steak and served luncheon meat.

Right or wrong, most men respond sexually to simple physical things like the way a woman looks, smells, moves and sounds. And, like it or not, ladies, romance for men is sexual. If your mother didn't tell you that, thank God for the Love Doctor. If you want your man to romance you, spend some time in the mirror making sure that you look like someone he will want to romance.

Alright, I know that some of you are saying, a man shouldn't just love you for your looks and you may be right. But today's column is not on "love"; the topic is "Romance". Men can love women without feeling romantic about them. Quite often men love their mothers, daughters and sisters deeply and tenderly without romantic feelings. Even some men who "fool around" still love their wives, they just get their romance someplace else.

Another thing both of you must remember is that It takes time to stay in love. Marriage ain't magic. There is no love genie in a bottle that will make sure that you automatically spend the necessary time together to keep the fires burning. Before you married, you scheduled your times together. You made dates. It may have been no more than "Let's get together tomorrow night and rent a movie and have some pizza." But you made an appointment. Both of you could plan your evening and look forward to your time together sharing an activity together.

Okay, the love Doctor has done his job. Before today you probably were just ignorant and that can be excused. If you continue to screw up the romance in your marriage, its your own fault.

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Copyright 2012 by Lloyd Dennis